Commentary on life

I wrote in one of my other confessionals about the need to go beyond my own experiences in order to write about compelling and interesting characters.  Along with understanding my own limitations as a writer, this process of trying to expand my world view has actually prompted me to seek out new experiences.

I want to have new hobbies.  Of course music and reading and indie movies are at the top of my lovely things to do… but I am feeling like I need to get a hobby that promotes physical well being.  I am lazy dog owner which means that I outsource majority of my dog walking responsibilities.  But I would really love to do more with my dog.  So my big goal is to start walking with Pooch.  (You can meet my imaginary version of Pooch on this page – check out Today’s Special). I also feel like it will help me with health goals.

Then I want to explore a new take on music and create a collection of sorts.  And so I am thinking of getting a vinyl habit. I am still stewing on this because I need to have a plan for storage, care, and use.  I love my books and they have a system… I will need a system for the vinyls… but I am so excited to get started.

Then.  I have a secret wish to do roller skating.  Now I am a bit scared with this one but oh! how happy it would make me.  Just thinking about it makes my insides soar! I can see myself moving around and around – such graceful movements. If I was super aggressive, which I assure you I am not at all, I would be especially thrilled to seek out and join a roller derby team.

Maybe this exploration into new bits of me will give me new ways of seeing people and how they view the world.  Certainly how they see it all. By expanding my view of me, I could possibly discover others who I can draw into my world of writing.

One of my favorite musicians is Damien Rice. He sings from somewhere deep and well, I connect to that.  So in one of my favorite live albums, he talks about recognizing a strong relationship between his creative spirit and depressive state.  I mean, talk about the fringe benefits of melancholia.  He goes on to say that he is unsure of how he would continue touring because he really was not planning on being depressed.  But his audience could identify with what he was saying and there were chuckles all around.

I have been thinking a lot about Damien and this conversation because it speaks to one of the consequences of growth.  Growth means that we shift and move – we go beyond our artificial boundaries of comfort – sometimes, we are literally thrown into places we never thought we could move.  And suddenly, it’s as if this new environment is carrying us – and in my case, shifting my creativity along with it.

Not too long ago, I lived in fear of this experience.  I generally like things I can control – or situations that re-affirm my position of control.  Growth and change have been, in the past, quite difficult for me – maybe it’s all the flux that’s involved – but I think it is mainly the feeling that I needed to walk blindly for a while.

Because I am growing, I am encouraging myself to embrace the idea that I can trust myself to be in any space and to retain my creativity, my drive, and most of all – my self.

I remember when I first got Pooch, my fear was that I would not be a good enough dog parent and worse, that after a few weeks, I would grow tired of this creature that I had brought into my world.  I was surprised when actually my affection for this puppy grew. I was even more surprised when I shifted my lifestyle to accommodate him and all the feelings that I project on him.  (I even went as far as creating little rituals that allow me to feel like Pooch is living his best life, too!).  I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I didn’t lose myself but instead that I expanded – that I was more. I had texture and dimension.

So I guess, for me today, growth is not about discomfort so much as it is about trusting myself.  Trust that I will be carried when I require, that I will expand when I need to, and that I will discover all sorts of pleasures when I allow myself to be more.

I don’t know how growth will shape my creativity as a writer and as a person in this year – but I am sure I will be more. And that is enough.

So today was a good day.  Pooch had a day out and I felt like a good dog parent.  I also woke up early – did my writing – did some work – all in all, I felt like an accomplished human being.

While driving back home – Pooch and I were alone in the car – I turned to look at him.  He had the most searching look in his eyes. I smiled with such tenderness because I felt at once, loved and pitied to no end.  I know I was projecting my feelings on the poor dog but the adoration was real.  And while my heart sighed with the knowledge that my dog really does love me, I felt incredibly alone in this moment.  I had to turn my eyes back on the road – but I silently wondered the last time that a human looked at me the way my dear Pooch did.

I honestly can’t remember.

This made me sad.  Sad because longing is a powerful emotion. Sad because as a romance writer, having a powerful, earthshaking love is par for the course… or in my case, should be part of the deal.  Sad because sometimes it takes a long while for love to circle back around. Sad because I hate having to ask the universe when it will be my turn (because, of course, my love story will be epic-ly laden with kismet and lots of universe conspiring nonsense).

I have to admit – I am feeling a little bit of a pity party coming along – honestly and truly, today was not a good day for my sighing heart.

And so now I will do what every good writer does: I will sit in this feeling because I will remember it again – and maybe it will inspire me when I write.